We bring you some of the problems faced by readers who wrote to us. Our expert panelists provide their feedback.
THE ISSUE
A Husband Who Has Become Distant I am a working woman and after my marriage, I moved to my husband’s house. His is a joint family set-up.
Shortly after our marriage, my brother-in-law and his family moved out because of some problem they had with the rest of the family.
Now, my husband, my son, my father and mother-in-law, my sister-in-law and I live together in one house, while the brother-in-law and his family live close by. My mother-in-law takes care of my child and also looks after all the household chores.
My husband used to be a very happy person, but now that his brother and family have moved away, my husband’s behaviour with everyone has changed. He has become very rude and he and my mother-in-law do not speak to each other any more.
I want to know what the problem is, but I keep silent because if I say anything - however small - it creates a big problem.
I don’t interfere in any of the family problems and besides, my in-laws do not like it if I make any suggestions.
But I want to know why my husband is behaving like this. I want him to be the way he used to be when we had just got married. He comes home late without saying where he was. Sometimes, he doesn’t even have dinner at home.
I don’t know what to do. Please advise me.
— ABC
EXPERT SPEAK
Dear Reader,
From what I understand, you’re saying your husband was happier when your brother-in-law was living with the family, and it is after separation that your husband’s behaviour has changed for the worst.
Plus, you feel there is antagonism created if you try and probe into family matters.
My suggestion would be to first focus on your attitude and the way in which you view things. Try and take a more positive view. Look at your brother-in-law’s shift as his chance to have his own place with his family.
Secondly, understand that you do have a right to know what is going on in the family in which you live. And it is important for you to know and fully understand the situation before you can step in and suggest anything, and then help try and resolve things so that everyone is happy.
Thirdly, you may say that no one likes it if you interfere, which is why you keep quiet. This is not helpful to any relationship, and is a way of shrugging off responsibility for the situation.
Fourthly, with respect to your husband, call him at the office and tell him you would like to meet him outside the house. Persist till he agrees to give you some time alone.
If he refuses, ask a person whom he is close to, and in whom he confides, for help with the situation. Perhaps consulting a professional counsellor will help. Approach your husband in a direct, but non-threatening manner. You can still be dynamic and effect a change with your ‘silent’ personality.
Dr Minal Mehta is a reproductive health and relationship consultant. She can be contacted at Femina, 4th Floor, Times of India Bldg, Dr D N Road, Mumbai 400001.