Piya Mukherjee chalks out a system for those of us who frequently find our emotions ruling our words...

Way back in 3BC, philosopher and writer Seneca said, “It is easier to exclude harmful passions than to rule them, and to deny them admittance than to control them after they have been admitted.” Advice that might be useful for Meenakshi, an executive, who is uncomfortable with this morning’s tiff with her colleague. And for homemaker Radhika too, who ruefully contemplates her heated response last evening, to her husband’s opinions on a trifling issue. Constantly finding yourself with your foot in your mouth?

Spotting Potential Trouble
Here’s a quick self-evaluation exercise. Ask yourself if you find yourself saying the following things:
“There are times I wish I could take back the words I’ve said.”
“I couldn’t help saying all those things; the way she spoke to me was insulting / hurtful / humiliating”
“I know I may lose out on account of my frankness, but that’s the way I am!”
Or: “I would love to speak my mind, but what if there are negative consequences?”
“Better to keep mum than to hurt people’s feelings.”

As evident from the above, extreme passivity is as unwholesome as untrammelled forthrightness. So how does one master one’s emotions well enough to always speak in a stable, clear manner?

The Mischief-Makers
Anger and irritability: Which raise their heads whenever we feel unjustly victimised by circumstances, or put to trouble by someone else’s mistake.

Fear and awe: Seen typically in relationships with an unequal distribution of power, such as the boss-subordinate relationship, a lawyer-client relationship or a doctor-patient relationship. Two kinds of things can happen — the junior may fear a negative response to frank feedback, leading to inhibited communication, a phenomenon called the “Mum effect”. Or, the person vested with greater power may grant herself greater latitude in frankness, sometimes leading to rude or tactless speech.

Jealousy and envy: These tendencies emerge almost spontaneously when one’s hidden insecurities are challenged. For example, a friendly chat involving praise of someone’s achievements may draw forth barbs of resentment from the insecure person.
Other such traits include impatience and a low threshold of tolerance. Those of us who believe we are clever enough to disguise these traits, while speaking, be warned. Emotional tendencies will invariably find an outlet, especially under stress. So the only way to ensure that these unwelcome traits don’t manifest themselves is to keep working on cleaning them out of one’s system, as best as one can.

Tackling The Run-Away Feelings
Learn to de-link personal emotions from the demands of the situation. Inserting a space of a few moments, between what we hear and our response to it, usually helps take care of strong emotions that threaten to spill over.

A SWOT analysis (Strengths-Weaknesses-Opportunities-Threats) for oneself is very useful; it teaches us where we stand strong and where we need to exercise caution.

Anger and irritability are best handled by simply drawing a couple of deep breaths. Visualising a favourite symbol of stability, such as a mountain, the sea or a giant tree, also help.

Fear and awe can be tackled by asking, “What is the worst that can happen to me, if I speak out? On the other hand, what do I stand to gain by being frank?” These will usually reveal our exaggerated responses to fear.

Time and experience show that insults and barbs are best not taken personally, as, the person who abuses power by insulting others, would do so irrespective of who is available as the “punching bag”. The reflection of jealousy and envy in our words usually fade away, when we shift focus from what others are doing to our own path of progress, choosing to work on our true potential and uniqueness.

Other things that help are: Maintaining a journal, healing and energising practices and having a strong desire to maintain mastery over one’s emotions and feelings. And then set forth on the journey to strong, and emotionally stable communication.

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