Men are more jealous in a relationship than women. Here’s why! Nupur Mahajan analyses.

What is worse? Gurpreet keeping tabs on her (now ex) fiancé Vivek Oberoi with binoculars, or Salman Khan landing on the sets of an Aishwarya Rai starrer and creating such a ruckus that she loses her role in the film?

Vivek, fed up with Gurpreet’s insecurity and the constant Q & A sessions, has finally decided to call it quits, and is in counselling. Aishwarya recently made public her distaste for Salman’s possessiveness and physical attacks public, choosing to be single again.

While the Gurpreet-Vivek saga is just another case of female jealousy — women have long worn the crown of being the green-eyed sex — Salman’s tantrums prove that men are capable of astounding levels of insecurity that lead to bouts of jealousy.

Yet upto now, it has been spurned female lovers who make much ado about nothing: Shredding their ex’s designer suits, leaning on voodoo and chanting black magic mantras, inviting the wrath of not just the partner but imposing upon themselves the ‘J’ genetic disorder.

MALE INSECURITY
More often than not, men safely cocoon themselves in their insecurity, and blanket fits of jealousy under the ‘what women want’ protectiveness and concern. Till passive aggression turns active and the alarm bells ring wildly.

“Constantly ask yourself one question: Does he love me or is he insecure?” advises Mumbai-based psychologist Dr Anjali Chabbria. “What you take as deep love might be plain jealousy. Too many calls, checking your mail and keeping a tab on your phone calls might seem like concern, but it’s not. Contrary to popular belief, men too, can be insanely jealous and mask a Jekyll and Hyde personality with that fake concern. Watch out for this type...”

WHO’S HE?
Meet the controller. He’s most prone to jealous fits. He’ll shower you with gifts, flowers and expensive holidays — things that give him the upper hand. He’ll also ensure that you spend every minute with him, and if not, he’ll want a minute-by-minute account when apart. His policy: Possess and isolate.

But researchers in male jealousy blame the emotion on the fact that biologically male jealousy is rooted in sexual possession and in being a provider.

When Meera married her husband despite a slight physical deformity, she did so because she loved him enough to overlook the defect. But soon came the blow. “He started picking on me for who I am. ‘Why are you dressing up?’ he’d ask. I didn’t know what to do or how to please him... I hid behind oversized glasses, stopped caring for myself, put on weight. And yet remarks like, ‘You were fooling around with him’ never stopped.”

Meera, like most other women, dealt with the situation for 10 years till she went into depression and started popping pills; and finally landed on the doorstep of a psychologist.

But such cases are commonplace, and often counsellors and psychologists don’t bat an eyelid. Recently, a well-known Mumbai industrialist complained of a loony wife underwent counselling. She apparently had taken an overdose of anti depressants.

When the psychiatrist met the wife, she confessed to being badgered with jealousy. She said that her husband had accused her of a lesbian relationship with her female best friend. And in trying to prove her innocence and her love for him, she took to antidepressants.

THE J FACTOR
Beauty is very often a distress signal with men — men whose lovers are more powerful or famous are particularly green-eyed — Chris Judd and J Lo are a case in point. Unfortunately for Judd, who spent his lifetime savings on Lopez’s engagement ring, the insecurity that led him to storming onto the sets to check out what was up between her and Ben Affleck, got him nowhere.

But closer home, Sanjay Narang and Sushmita Sen, having shared more than a season of affection, and recently calling it quits have done so with no bitter aftertaste. “There was never an iota of jealousy, which is why even though we are no longer together, she is still the woman I admire most,” says Narang.

“I knew that I was dating the person, not the image on screen. In a relationship, you have to be sure that the other is no better and no worse than you. Jealousy is nothing but insecurity packaged in various forms it stems from your belief that you aren’t good enough for the other person.”

Dr Chabbria adds to Sanjay’s pearls of wisdom. “For any relationship to blossom, both partners need to have inner confidence, especially men. A confident man won’t flinch from walking in dressed the same way either into a J class flight or a second-class train. Failing that, there is insecurity that leads to jealousy and suspicion, that finally turns to the clinical state of paranoia.”

Choose a man who’s confident and laid back. You may not get the thrilling sense of drama (SRK in ‘Darr’!), but at least you’ll be able to make conversation with a waiter if that is what your heart desires!

WATCH OUT
* Does the man give you more grief than joy?
* Are you living under fear?
* Are you always being watched? Is he too protective, over cautious? Is he keeping tabs on you?
* Do you have to reassure, pacify him all the time?
* Be firm. Don’t give in to every demand. Get out of the ‘sati-savitri’ mind set.
* Strike a balance between your lover/husband and people you are close to.
* Don’t give up on other relationships.
* Don’t get ill by constantly believing that you’re not good enough for him.