Married But Attracted To Another Man?- Femina

The odyssey of life is such that a sudden attraction to the opposite sex can cause a catalytic change in one's humdrum, lacklustre existence. It is the elixir of life.

Depression, boredom, anxiety, grumpiness and self-destructive tendencies give way to this new exhilarated woman who begins to savour a new cocktail of emotions in the party of life... one that she had almost stopped enjoying.

On the other hand, getting into waist-deep waters in the sea is always exciting and good fun, but sometimes, finding your way back to the shore is not all that smooth. What begins as a docile undercurrent sometimes becomes that catastrophic wave of desire for riveting experiences that engulfs you and then harshly throws you back on the shore where you belong — battered and bruised.

So, if there’s that sudden spring in her stride, a wider-than-usual smile and a sparkle in her eyes... wake up hubby, smell the coffee, there just may be trouble brewing for you!

All In Fun
Where does the roller-coaster start?
‘‘He comes home sweating, looking tired, bushed from a hard day's work and I should be sitting dressed like a Christmas tree in a lonely dark corner of the house waiting for him to walk in and just switch me ‘on’. Doesn't quite happen like that, does it?’’ says Rita Nagpal*, a housewife and mother of two children, ‘’I am sorry, I too have had a tough day.’’

Sure, nothing that an evening of fun cannot set right. ‘‘Good friends, companionship, fun and mere compliments can, and do, go a long way in making us married women feel happy and high,’’ says Trisha, a mother of twin boys.

Agrees Vaishalli, an ex-guest relations manager with The Taj Group Of Hotels, and married for about seven years, ‘‘Having an unknown man pay you a compliment at a party is nice, especially if it’s been many years since college...’’

Veena Singh*, an advertising executive with a leading advertising agency in Mumbai, and married for 10 years, says, ‘‘Yeah, you can't really flirt with good friends, so it's the unknown or lesser known variety that adds spice to life.’’

‘‘If a good-looking guy approached me at a party and asked me to dance, I would accept. What's in a dance anyway?’’ says Namrata Pradhan, married for 11 years, with a high flying career with Citibank.

The Mind Of A Married Woman
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After all, what’s the harm in a little bit of fun and flirtation? But does it always stop at that? Well, the truth is, sometimes, it doesn’t. Sometimes, before you know it, light-hearted fun and flirtation has turned into soul attraction.

When and why does casual attraction turn serious? Dr Karthik Kumar, a Sharjah-based psychologist, says, ‘’Depression, more than stress, is the cause of a lot of hormonal and mind-related problems that women in their prime face.

While exercise, hobbies and work are good distractions, nothing succeeds in distracting a mind more than a physical or mental attraction to someone known or even unknown.’’

‘’As they travel on the marital roller-coaster, women who are often subjected to daily criticism, rude comments, lack of appreciation and respect from their husbands, start feeling the need for mental compatibility, companionship, attention and appreciation and this propels them to look for emotional solace outside... the same reasons that often propel men to do the same,’’ says reputed psychiatrist and psychotherapist Dr Anjali Chhabria.

Dr Kumar feels that age is often not the issue. For example, women in their mid-30s are often attracted to or found attractive by men in their late 20s (for being mature, experienced, not necessarily looking for serious long term relationships, and in control), 30s as well as those in their 40s and 50s. Older men are often past the rat race of ambition, well-settled, wise about relationships and also looking for soul mates, and thus a lot of women are attracted to men in the age group of 40 to 50.

The assumption that working women are more prone to getting attracted to other men is false. ‘‘They are quite often more fulfilled, appreciated at work if not at home, independent and busy and thus less prone to having an attention-seeking need,’’ says Dr Shaheeda Khan, Delhi-based clinical psychologist.

Lack of a joint family set-up often gives the spouses in a nuclear set-up the opportunity to philander, especially when the children are either too small to realise or old enough to be residing away from home.

Dr Chhabria states that in her vast experience of over 17 years ‘‘Women who are going through an emotionally low phase in their married lives (irrespective of age) are more vulnerable to getting attracted to other men... most often unknowingly.

What starts as a merely-being-noticed phase may develop into a strong liking or bond with the person. This ‘other man’ often becomes the soul mate, friend, confidante, buddy and very often just a pleasant distraction or eye tonic for the woman.’’ Sounds like a great solution to her problems, doesn’t it?

The Lakshman Rekha