The Four Fs Of Fighting Fair - Femina

Understand and accept that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, and that you need to learn to negotiate to keep the romance going.

No love is complete without its share of fights and making up. A little heat adds zing to the relationship, reminding us that love needs to be worked upon every day to keep it alive, kicking and healthy. However, one of the most difficult challenges in relationships is handling differences and disagreements.

Often when couples disagree, discussions turn into arguments and then without much warning, into battles. You seethe, fume, break a few plates and then fall silent. Silence builds into anger and then resentment. When couples do break the silence, often, it is with the intention to hurt each other; there is blame and doubt, as well as complaints, accusations, demands and resentment.

Love Does Hurt
An arguing couple hurts not only feelings, but the relation-ship as well. Just as communi-cation is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element, because the closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or be bruised.

To avoid arguing destructively, we need to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying, but to how we are saying it. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument.

Avoid Hurt
There are basically four stances that individuals take to avoid getting hurt in arguments: Fight, flight, fake and fold. Find your type, analyse why you do what you do and baby, make amends soon to get your relationship back on the love track. It’s no fun sleeping back to back. Or on the couch.

FIGHT: Mars takes the cake here. When a conversation becomes unloving and unsupportive, some individuals instinctively begin to fight, moving into an offensive stance. They strike out by blaming, judging, criticising and making their partners look wrong. The motive is to intimidate their partner into loving and supporting them. When their partner backs down, they assume they have won, but in truth, they have lost.

Yogesh and Suchna Shah from Goa have been happily married for four years. His take on fights? ‘‘I can’t yell, no way. I’m too scared of my wife,’’ he laughs. ‘‘Besides, yelling won’t get me anywhere and it won’t make me feel good either. It prolongs the agony. My way out of a situation like this would be to keep quiet. Let her have her say. When she calms down, we talk.

We also firmly believe that a fight must be resolved at the end of the day. You can’t sleep over a fight. We don’t,’’ he asserts. He strongly recommends that men should talk things out, after calming themselves down. ‘‘But definitely settle the issue before you sleep,’’ he advises.

Flight