By Sathya Saran

Dear Readers,
Have you ever wondered about a world without men? You are going to belong to one. Soon. In fact in exactly 15 days from now. Listen carefully, this is important. It sounds radical, but it isn't. It is to our - yours and ours - ultimate advantage.

As we head into our 45th year of publication, we have started taking stock of ourselves. And have come to some very pointed conclusions. For one, we are 45 years old. And though we are still young and peppy and full of buzz (you just need to listen to us at a staff meeting to understand exactly what I mean), the fact is that we have also learnt a few lessons as time goes on.

One of them is, MEN ARE JUST NOT WORTH IT.
I am saying it straight. Not beating about the bush and hemming and hawing. That is not our style. We believe in shooting from the hip, here in this magazine, and now that is exactly what I am going to do.
Put it down in no uncertain terms.

Here it is: There is a major change in policy, a shift in stance. Some of it comes from the powers that be.
But most of it comes from our own evolution as women who have over the years, worked with readers, their dreams, aspirations and more important, their interaction with the men in their lives.

We have tried to make things better for them. Time and again, we have done our bit to include men in our magazine. We have believed that no woman is complete without a man, and vice versa. And no world can turn without being powered by both men and women.

We were wrong.

As I said before, MEN ARE JUST NOT WORTH IT.
They have over the millennium abused, used, subjugated, terrorised, colonised and humiliated women into believing they are the second sex, and that men are in all ways superior to women.

And now that history is proving men wrong and women are proving equal in mind, body and emotion, with the added skills of empathy, multi-tasking, time management and beauty in their armoury, men have realised they have to hit back.

I will not go into the devious tricks they play to get the upper hand. Many of you can tell us those stories, but we are not listening.

Because we have decided to BAN men from the magazine.
This then, is the last issue in which we carry pages on men, where there are pictures of male stars and models, interviews with men, human or demigod. Look at them if you must to your fill, and then take a deep breath and you will find yourself in a brave new magazine world.

From the next issue, we shall believe that there is no MAN in the word 'Woman', and that Femina is strictly for women, by women, of women.

It will seem a bit strange in the beginning, I know. Our readers, and writers, and we at Femina ourselves, have got quite used to having men underfoot, but as time goes on, this all-girls' paradise will show its advantages.
For one, we will be rid of the 42 per cent male readers who read over your shoulder and are constantly trying to catch on to what makes you the wonderful person you are.

For another, we can thus talk about, write about, interact about any girlie thing we want. No blushes, no coyness, no worries about what hubby or daddy or big brother or male colleague will think.

Of course, there will be men around you, in your daily life. Thank God for that. All icing without some beefcake will be a cloying proposition.

But in Femina, it is girls only after this issue.
So we drop the unisex pages, the man style and opinion pages, we do not venture into men's locker rooms any more.

And believe me, it is already beginning to sound like a great idea.
So find a strong safe, where you can key in your secret code and stash away all issues starting from the next one.

We promise you, even as your man reads this, he is making up his mind to grab the next copy before you do and read it cover to cover, to see what it is you are reading.

It will be like the good old days when men were exempt for Femina, and read it on the sly. Only this time, DON'T let them read it.

One of the effects of this will be that you will seem more mysterious, more alluring, brimming over with the secrets that only you and other Femina readers share with the magazine.
Of course, we shall have to work at other levels too. We need to set up a system where no man will be able to buy a copy of Femina at the newsstands. Our vast dealer network across the country is already being activated in this regard.

And in the magazine itself, major editorial changes will swing into effect from the next issue to ensure we have more pages for you, our women readers. After all, as a senior in the venerable Times of India building here in Mumbai put it, 'It is a woman's magazine, so why waste page space on men!

How many men's magazine even THINK of their women readers?' Good thought. And we thought over it quite a bit, and have come to the conclusion that we need to abandon our men, pretend they don't exist, ban them.
It is a new beginning. But it will set us apart. And it will set a trend.

Trust me, you will love us for it.

Phrases We Will Use For The Word 'Man'
• The other gender
• Chauffeur-for-free
• Human built differently than wom...oops, than wohuman-built-differently.
• Husband: The adult human being that sleeps with you, eats all your food, changes light bulbs and kills scary bugs.
• Boyfriend: The potential adult human being that sleeps with you, eats all your food, changes light bulbs and kills scary bugs.
• The TV remote hog
• The 'unbreasted' species
• The non-conversationalist (unless you're talking about sex)
• The beer-belly
• The overgrown child
• The talker-to-lady's-breasts-instead-of-face

If A Man Reads This Issue...
• First of all, why would you want to read something that not just you but your entire clan has been boycotted from? Are you that pathetic?
•Nothing will happen. Read it. What do we care!
• As soon as you start flipping through, the issue will screech 'Lech Alert! Lech Alert!' and snap itself shut.
• The magazine will set itself on fire as soon as you touch it. Okay, it probably won't, but you'll have bad luck for the rest of the fortnight.
• A highly specialised team of secret service women will immediately track you down and beam you off to Mars - where you belong. So it's only a matter of time. The cleansing has begun. First the magazine, some day, the earth!
• You will undergo a complete transformation. You'll become more honest, nicer, move with natural grace, start believing in monogamy... ah, you'll turn into a woman! Cleanse, cleanse, cleanse!
• You'll have fights with your partner for 'as long as you both shall live'. Which won't be too long, considering that a lady's arsenal is never exhausted. Yes, cleansing along now.

Columns We Will Start Now In Place Of The Male Pages
• A day in the life of a dung beetle (will follow different insects every issue)
• A Q&A rehabilitation column for the criminally insane.
• Our most intimate moments
• The secret diary of a spy
• Habits of the road/water/ regular hog.
• The sob story swap
• Women superiority stories

Reasons Why We Don't Want Men Any More
• Because!
• Beefcake isn't always brainy
• We don't want to hear any more willy talk
• All the good guys have been taken. We can't do much with the rest
• Imagine all the money we'll save on food. We can treat our dogs better.
• They're terrible listeners. We have our girlfriends for that.
• There'll be no urgency about removal of body hair all the time.
• Full control of the TV remote! Gasp!
• We'll never have to explain our shopping bill again. To another gal pal, "I absolutely HAD to pick up those ridiculously expensive shoes because they 'called out' to me" is a perfectly acceptable reason.
• PMS will be easier.
• We won't almost kill ourselves tripping over his clothes strewn all over the room.
• Ah! For a life without stress, rage, tears...