Let us paint you a picture. You're in a college canteen; you and your pal just sitting around... Your days are spent planning which movie to see after college and where to go for the holidays. Heartbreak is jointly shouldered, no summons are ignored, and every issue is discussed, especially this one: Where you'll all be in five years' time. You have it all chalked out. And in every one of those dreams, your pal is right beside you, changing jobs with you, getting married when you do, and you're positive you'll have babies at the same time. You can't wait to 'grow up'... And now, it IS five years later... you've dived head first into your career, and your buddy's settled with a new baby... You're at the opposite ends of a very wide spectrum. And you'd give anything to go back to that time in the canteen.

Different Reactions

The first thing that struck me when I visited an extremely close friend who'd just had a baby, was how very grown up she was... I hovered around uncertainly, while my formerly career-oriented friend contentedly changed her son's diapers, cleaned him 50 times a day, and fed him every few hours. I was swamped by conflicting emotions - I was overjoyed at her happiness, but selfishly, I wanted my friend back with no responsibilities, free to come and stay with me, to make on-the-spur-of-the-moment plans for holidays, shop for clothes for herself, not for her son, and listen attentively while I spoke of many things.

Other women too, have felt the change and struggled to adjust. "Suman and I have been close pals for a long time," Usha reminisces. "Both of us would often do things together on impulse... One evening, we were discussing Ahmedabad and the shopping there... And the next thing we knew, we were on our way to Ahmedabad in an unreserved train compartment! Things changed a bit when she got married, but we met up as often as possible... Then the baby came. I loved her too, but she most certainly took my friend away. It was even difficult to catch Suman over the phone. I wouldn't say we coped well.Initially, we didn't. I used to sometimes feel that I no longer really had her as a friend. She rued, sometimes, how much her life had changed."

Of course, some gals don't think anything really changes. Says Pracheta Sharma, TV journalist, "I love kids, my sister had just had a baby and when one of my closest friends had a baby, I was more excited to see the baby than my friend!"

Making It Work

Because really, if you look closely, there's no real problem. You still love your buddy. She still loves you. And she still wants to know every single detail about your life... The hitch then is that of time. Finding time to catch up has become close to impossible. Pracheta says, ''Yes, I know my pal won't have any time for me, because obviously, we're not really priority any more. It's really how you work around that problem that matters.'' Usha agrees: "Suman and I worked around the situation. I used to simply land up at her place and sit with her as she fed the baby, changed nappies... the works! We stopped going out - but we made a conscious effort not to let that stop communication between us. Now we are in a better position - the baby is slightly older and Suman simply carries her around the city... Otherwise, her home is our meeting place!"

Go With The Flow

Priorities change. And you've got to change with them. Things change. And thank God they do. Isn't that what growth - even in friendships - is all about? In my mind, I've shut the door on the college canteen firmly behind me.

The Doctor Says...

Dr Anjali Chhabria says it's all par for the friendship course.

First-time mothers are very overwhelmed with the baby's arrival. They are coping with a life-changing experience. And in this time, who can they take for granted if not their closest friends and family? They want to spend time with their friends, but since they're always busy with the baby, they combine the two... and ask friends to come help with the baby or go shopping, etc. What every first-time mom needs to remember is that she needs to take time out for herself too and think beyond the baby. She needs to sometimes, put the baby in someone's care and go out for a while with her pals... it's a great stress buster.

If you're the non-baby friend, it's okay to feel lost and disoriented, as you are seeing a very different side of your friend, who seems to be not very concerned about you, and is completely involved with the child. You also might see your own future in hers - and that could be scary! You need to adjust, to understand that your friend's priorities have changed for now. It's just that she's at a different stage at that point. Just be there for her. You don't need to be a genius at baby care... just be around.

If You Want To Stay Friends...

Talk to her as you always did. So what if you want to complain about how painful your menstruation cramps were when she's been through the mother of all pains: Labour!

And listen to her. She probably has a lot to say that she can't to her husband. Make the most of the little time you get.

Help her with the baby... it'll bring you much closer.