Couples who've called it quits after the engagement say it isn't over till someone says 'I do'. By Sejal Mehta

The end of a relationship can be devastating. You nurse your wounds, go over the whys, whens and the hows of the break... it's all you think about for a while. Now add to this scenario, social stigma, enquiring relatives and the guilt of hurting your parents.

And finally add to it, the pain of realising that the person you thought was 'the one', the person you had agreed to spend this lifetime with in front of friends and family, wasn't really 'the one' after all. The enthusiasm with which your trousseau was bought, the flowers were picked and the venue was selected, has turned sour. Uncomfortable questions have to be answered, character assassinations have to be borne, judgements and opinions - no matter how unnecessary - are given freely... it's a messy affair. And amidst all this, the 'breaker' and the 'breakee' have to find a way to deal with the life-changing experience... emotionally and practically.

Family And Friends

You've dropped the bomb. Now take cover from the moral police. Everyone around you will want to know 'why'. And very few of them will actually care. For a lot of people, it will be one more exciting gossip titbit. The easiest thing to do is to clear away the debris and reach the few people you actually want to explain things to. For Nishant, 29, who broke off his engagement two months after, there were two gruelling sessions with two elder uncles of the family. He says, "I answered all their questions patiently and the best I could. But frankly, as long as my parents were okay with my decision, I didn't really care about the rest."

For Anushka, the decision wasn't so easy. She was worried that her decision would harm her father, a heart patient. "I should've given him more credit," she says. "He took care of every detail so calmly." The guilt of hurting your parents makes all this more difficult. It's true that society is much more accepting of engagement break-ups but even so, for parents, somewhere beneath the calm façade, there is some amount of worry and unhappiness for their child, and discomfiture, no matter how little, of what people will say. Which is one of the main reasons why Aparna Sheth, 29, can never forgive her ex-fiancé for cheating on her, days before the wedding. After she called it off, her father had to personally go and inform each invitee. "My mother broke down and had to be put on medication. Those memories are difficult to forget," she says. Nishant says, "Watching my mild-mannered father try and explain to the girl's dad was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do," he recalls.

Deal With You

It's imperative that you find a way to deal with this in a healthy manner. It helped Anushka that her fiancé agreed with her decision amicably. "If he'd resisted, or held a grudge, I would've found it difficult to move on so well," she says. But for Sushmita Sinha, 25, the worst had only begun. Her fiancé called the wedding off four months before the day. The break has left scars that have not healed. "I immersed myself in my work," she recalls. "I've lost confidence in myself and in others. I fear something like this happening to me again. So I avoid relationships. The humiliation of being 'left at the altar' is tough to bear. I think I will heal only when I find someone I can relate to. Only new beginnings heal old wounds." Emotional cleansing is difficult. For Aparna, the box of her wedding cards, his stuff, still lies untouched in her cupboard four years later. "I can't bring myself to take it down," she says. "It brings back bitter memories." She is now a self confessed cynic. Commitments and marriage scare her - her fiancé's betrayal is hard to forget.

It's a considerable setback. You've thought about being someone's wife and planned your life keeping your fiancé's plans in mind. But like Dr Varkha Chulani says, it's not the end of the world. Accept the unbearable without resorting to distractions to divert your mind. And at the end of it, no matter how tough it is to get over this phase, it's up to you to make sure it remains just that... a phase.

Deal With The Bills

The wedding details - the caterers, the decorators, the venue, the guests, hotel cancellations - all these need to be sorted out. If you can, help your family cancel the preps... share the load. Make a list and make sure you leave nothing out. Of course, the monetary blow is harder to weather. The wedding insurance in the market covers only postponement and cancellation due to fire, theft, etc - not change of heart.

The Doctor Is In

Dr Anjali Chhabria

For the family: Be supportive. If your child has expressed a need to break it off, respect it. Otherwise, this uncertainty will manifest itself elsewhere later in life, in the form of extra-marital affairs or fights, etc. Don't find fault with your child. If he or she has been broken up with, don't think there's something wrong with them. Accept the other party's decision gracefully. Don't call them names, or slander them in public. If there has been an exchange of gifts and jewellery, take care of it smoothly. Watch out for signs of negative coping in your child - drinks too much, is critical, is unable to sleep or perform daily activities, says, 'I don't ever want to get married'.

For you: There is nothing wrong with you. Don't bother about what people will think. It's better it broke off now, instead of five years down the line, when there would be a lot more at stake. Couples who've got divorced later tell me that they wish they'd seen the signs. So be glad that you did. Talk about it, write down your feelings if you feel comfortable with that, and meet new people. Concentrate on yourself. Don't kill yourself over having made your family unhappy. They're happy if you're happy.