Issue August 15 - 31
The word 'mother' implies caring. Why do moms-in-law forget that?
By some coincidence, we were discussing mothers-in-law.
It started with a designer friend telling me how devastated she was because her mother-in-law had died suddenly of a heart attack. Her eyes were still wide with the shock of it, as she recounted the suddenness of the event, and then went on to say how much she missed her. “She took care of everything,” she explained, “all I had to do was put on my jeans in the morning and leave for work.”
Her mother-in-law took care of the running of the house, the care of her nine-year-old granddaughter, including her being driven to and from school, her homework and her intellectual growth and well being. She taught music, often going out herself on musical assignments, and once or twice a week, the students would swarm through the house and there would the sound of instruments being tuned in various rooms, and voices raised in learning the notes.
“Everything has fallen silent now,” my friend mourned, “my life has changed forever.” It was difficult to stem her flow; she needed to unburden, to assuage the sense of loss, which as she spoke, communicated itself to me very eloquently. “She was more a friend than a ma-in-law,” she continued, “I think I was closer to her than to my own mother.”
That I think, summed it up... the real depth of her relationship. I told her that that was the biggest tribute she could offer her mother-in-law’s memory.
And then, there was the story of another mother-in-law. It sounded like she was a mix of all the stereotypes one meets in the films of the ’70s and today’s TV serials.
My friend was telling me, with wonder in her voice, of how she had been married five years, but her in-laws still thought of her as an alien. She would go home after a full day’s work, and they would be waiting for her to cook the night meal. “I do not grudge that,” she said, “but sometimes, when I am really late and need to carry work home, then I have to finish all my ‘duties’ and burn the midnight oil. At times like that, I do get a bit cheesed off.”
Which really makes me wonder. Why do some mothers-in-law have to play the ‘role’? In today’s times, when individualism is in, why do some women choose to stuff themselves into a stereotype... and want their daughters-in-law to do the same? And do daughters in-law always bear it all quietly, or do more of them hit back in different ways?
Little wonder the tried-and-tested ‘Indian joint family’ is shaking on its foundations. If only women could learn to be friends across generations, and regardless of relationship — don’t we manage quite well in the work place despite our differences and the pressures? — the perils of modern living would be eased out.
And more women would, like my designer friend, mourn a ma-in-law’s loss, instead of getting out the buntings and planning a celebration.
The Editor
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