Rahul Phondke digs up reasons why it’s tough getting men to clean up their act... oops... ashtrays

OK, Excuse the promotion of a major stereotype, but no intelligent man ever discusses domestic cleaning. He is usually discussing things too impolite to be mentioned in a column that could be read by his mom!

Scan the historical texts and you will seldom find a man who has even attempted the task of domestic cleaning. Cynics point out Hercules, who boasted in his CV that he cleaned King Augeas’ stables. This is typically what happens when one diverts all that food to building muscles rather than the brain. But we are talking about normal men here, who love their beer and who have as much muscle on their bodies as Hercules had in his earlobes.

Evolution Errata
Guys do not have the sharp observation powers that women do. Women can register dust at molecular levels, while men don’t notice until the dust forms clumps of mud that could apply for membership of the United Nations as independent states.

Scientists say this is the result of men being hunters. This has nothing to do with domestic cleaning, but scientists always keep on saying impressive but irrelevant things. The theory being that ancient man was a hunter, who focused on his prey, developed distance vision and remained genetically myopic, while ancient woman took care of the family, developed huge behinds that ancient man tastefully painted on the walls of his cave, which in turn led to ancient divorces.

The point being, evolution is the reason men don’t see dirt, not even when it’s on the insides of their eyelids. This theory cuts no ice in any domestic argument, yet another indication of scientific irrelevance. Domestic arguments, which are engendered by the dust levels in the house, are usually won by women.

A Time To Clean
Marketing classes have taught us that perception of the product is more important than the product itself. For e.g,
Perception: M F Husain is an artistic genius.
Reality: Was hit on the head by a meteor.

Similarly
Perception: Vacuum cleaners are a cleaning aid.
Reality: These are devices to engender domestic arguments about time.

Saturday mornings, according to men, are an excellent time to have beer. Women think it’s time to clean the house. All afternoons too, according to men, are excellent times to have a nice long snooze as long as you don’t disturb your co-workers by snoring. Women think it’s time to get the house clean. You get the drift.

My reasons for men not doing domestic cleaning are extremely scientific. Firstly, men are not good at anything that does not involve generous amounts of beer. Take burping. Men are very good at it because of beer. Most have perfected it to the point where they mention it in their resumes.

I am not in any way advancing this cause though I would like to point out that one can burp real swell, if one does it through a rolled up newspaper. Women regard burping as some mutation of the bubonic plague.

Secondly, men make poor housekeepers because the job has to be done on weekends. As pointed out earlier, weekends are that pot of gold at the end of the masculine week wherein the activity with the highest metabolic rate is blinking. If one could clean the house by blinking alone, men would have done it with the same enthusiasm as that of constipated patients at ‘The Great Annual Laxative Sale’.

Blinking On The Job
Personal experience has shown that it is not possible to clean by blinking — though I am still perfecting the technique. All these reasons would never be understood by women. So often, when I am in quiet pontification cogitating over the fact that I have used two really impressive English words in this sentence, I wonder whether there is a way of convincing the fairer sex to see things our way.

Evolution is a lost cause. Besides being a three million-year-old excuse and even that can’t explain all things, e.g Dev Anand acting like a teenager at 78!

The other two reasons I mentioned can be dismissed too. May be what we need is a revolution. We should all come out on the streets in our sleeveless ‘banians’ and look women squarely in the eyes and tell them the facts the way they are, warts and all.

Yes, that decides it.

We will have a revolution, but I am not sure how one does that by blinking.