Becoming a part of his family is easier than you think, says Dr Vijay Nagaswami

Your wedding day, jitters and all, is behind you. The honeymoon has been meandered through. And you're now girding the old loins to get down to the serious business of becoming part of his family, even if he doesn't seem to be particularly concerned about becoming part of yours.

Be that as it may, everybody you know is telling you that in India, a marriage is not between two individuals but between two families, and that the onus is pretty much on you to make a smooth transition from being a subscribing member of your biological family to accepting his as your own. And you're jutting-jaw determined to make sure that you do this far better than any other recent bride of your acquaintance.

All of a sudden, you pull yourself short. How precisely are you to do this? You are advised by all and sundry to ingratiate yourself with the members of your new family; to accept everything they say and do everything they do without any questions; to gaily abandon your old family rituals for unfamiliar ones; and whatever happens, to remember that boats and apple carts don't work so well when they're rocked or upset. But this somehow doesn't seem enough.

You are bedevilled with questions, some of them only half formed. And answers seem millennia away. Maybe, a ready reckoner could be of some help?

To Be Accepted By His Family, Don't Try Hard To Be Accepted
Paradoxical as this may sound, this is true. The harder you try and the more you bend over backwards, the less likely you are to be accepted, for when you do all of this, you end up behaving unnaturally, will be unable to sustain the effort for too long and worse still, end up full of resentment. Just try and be yourself.

Remember His Family Is His Family And Yours Is Yours
Many young brides make the mistake of trying to trade in their family for their husband's. Never works. Your mother-in-law is your mother-in-law, not your mother. Your brother-in-law is your brother-in-law not your brother. You get my drift.

Set Your Boundaries From Day One
Boundaries are necessary for all good long-term relationships. You and your in-laws are in this for the long haul, so try and figure out how much you're prepared to extend yourself for them and extend yourself just that much and no more.

Get Your Husband To Accept And Be Accepted By Your Family
Remember you're dealing with two families. So don't ignore your own. Try and get your husband to participate in your family's activities as well. If he's reluctant, coax him. Quid pro quo in the business of dealing with families is perfectly acceptable.

Allow Them To Get To Know You, Warts And All
Being accepted by his family means that they get to know you as you are, not as what they want you to be. So don't be wary of showing them your imperfections. This way, the relationship can be a honest one. Bust the 'ideal daughter-in-law' myth once and for all from your mind and theirs.

Talk To Your Husband About The Way You Feel About His Family
If something they say or do maddens or upsets you, talk to your husband about it. Don't get into this mind set that you shouldn't bother him with trivia or that he might get upset. Dealing with his family is not a trivial matter and both of you need to learn to do this together.

Likewise, Don't Fly Off The Handle If He Finds Your Family Quirky
Give him an opportunity to tell you if and how your family members get under his skin. This will make him more amenable when you reciprocate.

Don't Get Drawn Into Family Politics
All families are political units, so politics is bound to exist. The arrival of a new person usually sets off a process of wooing her to one side or another. Bear this in mind, enjoy the wooing while it lasts, but don't take sides.

Remember His Family Is Only An Add-On To Your Marriage, NOT Its Epicentre
It's your own marriage that should be the centre of your family life. If you define what is called the marriage bubble well, you'll find that you and your husband can together, deal with anything that you come up against.