Are you cheating on your spouse?

We know what you're thinking. Not another extramarital affair story. You're up to your ears with this stuff, aren't you? On television, in the papers, in your friends' circle... it's suddenly all around you. Well, welcome to the real world. Again.Here are some real stories. Draw from these what you will..."This thing between us (Rahul, my husband, and I) has been going on for a while now.

''Back then, there was no one in the picture. I had more or less resigned myself to the act that this was how life was going to be - as a wife, mother, sister, etc.

''I have no complaints about Rahul. He's a good guy - he has provided well for his family and takes care of us. I don't think he sees there is anything wrong in the relationship.

''But I feel trapped. What I want is love and some companionship, which is completely non-existent. When we sit and talk, our only conversation is related to the kids, the house, his work - it's never about us. "I don't think Rahul ever asks me how my day was, what I did, never.

We usually never have anything to say to one another.

'' I guess when you are younger, you tend to overlook all these things but as life goes on and you get older, you want something more in your relationship. ''Today, we have no common interests. I will do things with him which he likes but things that I like, I either do them alone or just don't do them at all.

''I think my biggest drawback has been that over the years, I have moulded myself to be a person who is so unlike the real me.''And now I am beginning to resent it.

"The emotional - and the physical - gap has only widened over the years. It's sad but just the thought of having sex puts me off. I don't want sex to be just sex. There should be love involved in the act but with us, there is nothing. One, two, three and it's over. I do it because it's something that he wants. As far as I am concerned, I could do without it.

"AJ is my ex-flame. One day early this year,I located him on a website -batchmates.com. I was not sure if he was the same person. It took me a couple of months to pick up the courage to find out. And that's when our exchange started.

I had had no contact with him for the last 20 years, although I would often think of him, and feel sad. He was a great guy and all I did was walk out of his life without any explanation. "When I finally met up with him, it was an instant connection. It never seemed like there had been a gap of 20 years. I have read about such things, but never realised that this is the man who still thinks the world of me. Yes, he's married with two girls. But I know that today if I were to tell him to do something for me, he will do it; there is no doubt about it.

"With him, for the first time, I discovered what a relationship should be between a husband and wife. From my tone or when we are chatting online, he can sense if I am down in the dumps. It's uncanny how we can read each other's thoughts. The minute I saw him, I had this feeling that I was finally home. I have never had this feeling. All my life I have looked for love, security and happiness and this was the first time I felt that I had found it. I feel that I can lean on him and he will take care of all my problems. For a change, I am not alone. Just knowing that he is somewhere around takes away my loneliness. I have been so lonely over the years with no one to really talk to. There's something about him that makes me want to tell him everything. We have so much in common. For the first time, I talked about my deepest fears. With him, it was so easy to share all the pain and sadness that I have experienced in my life. With Rahul, I could never do that.

"I don't know what the future has in store for me. I am not taking any steps since I have my kids to think about. They are my saving grace. Today, if I am alive and happy, it's because of AJ and the kids. AJ's married, but I know if I ask him, he'll file for a divorce. But I can't move out immediately. So I don't really know what I should do right now."

(Devyani*, 35, part-time HR executive, married for 12 years, spoke to Simmi Dhanda Sakhuja)

"I don't think about the whys and the hows of it. I am just having a good time. It's not a serious relationship so I don't think of his involvement as infidelity. There's got to be emotional involvement for it to be called infidelity. I don't think this is my fault. It's his fault. He's cheating on his wife - he's the Casanova. If it were not me, it would be someone else... he would cheat anyway."Shalini, 26, PR exec

"I had an affair with a married man in my 20s, and it was great! It was my first relationship, and I learnt so much from this guy. Unfortunately, it didn't work out - in retrospect, my friends tell me, I was foolish to think he would actually leave his wife and marry me - though that is what he constantly told me. I think I had low self-esteem, and he listened to me, gave me immense confidence in myself, and though I knew it was wrong, I drifted into the affair. The break-up, which happened almost eight years later, toughened me up, and changed me as a person - from a shy woman who lacked confidence, I became a fearless, decisive, demanding career woman.''Shweta Sahani* (now married with one kid, works part time at a consultancy firm)

"I think having an affair is the most depressing thing for a single woman like me. I can't show my guy off to my friends, nor can I do any of the fun things that young, married couples do, and the few friends who know about us are always talking behind my back (since he's a married guy). Staying in such an affair slowly erodes your self-respect, more so if you are emotionally involved. I know I need to break up but am caught in a situation where I can't see a future without him.''Naina Pal* (single woman, copy writer)"I never thought I'd be the other woman. But when it actually came to it, I couldn't hold back... and started a string of events which almost destroyed me. I met him at a party.

I had just broken up with my boyfriend when I met Dan at a party. He was a foreigner, in town for a project. He was living alone in Mumbai. He was really friendly and we started spending time together. We were both very lonely people and found solace in each other's company. I knew he was married. And that he would never leave his wife. Slowly, we began filling gaps in each other's lives. I found an emotional anchor and readily moved in with him when he asked me to. Did I think about it then? Yes, I knew it was not the ideal situation, but he treated me so well, that I thought, 'it's going so nicely, let's see for a week, yet another week and then it just got completely out of hand. My friends warned me against him, not just because he was married but also because they found him dishonest, but I didn't listen - I was going deeper and deeper into it. He would treat me so well, make me feel special, take me out, interact with my friends... he was becoming a part of my life. And he would take me to his social gatherings, which made me feel that he truly cared about me. I thought however temporary this thing was... this was real. "He told me straight up that this was not a permanent situation and that he would eventually leave. I was always fine with that. I thought the very fact that he's told me about his marriage and been "upfront" about not ever wanting to leave his wife, told me he was an honest man. In the one year that I was with him, all I wanted was his loyalty. Which he didn't give me. He was seeing three other women while he was seeing me and even had a child with one of them. I found out by accident. I was completely devastated when we broke up. I had left my hostel, I had left my job, I had given up everything for him. I had literally nothing left to go back to. My life as I knew it seemed over. "And you know what's ironic? In all this time, the only time I thought about his wife was when he cheated on me. I thought about how shattered his wife must feel to know what a bastard he was." Priyanka, 29, Executive

"There is some truth in the saying -once a cheater, always a cheater.

Once a guy cheats, it's very difficult not to do it again. It becomes an addiciton, like smoking. You start by thinking, 'the grass ,looks greener on the other side, well, why not try it?' and once you do, you want tocover more pastures.The grass will always be greener and you'll want to have it all"Rahul, businessman, 27

"My husband travels a lot on work and as a result, is out of the house for at least 20 days a month. He visits exotic places like Amsterdam, Bangkok, Rio, etc, and when he returns, he insists on telling me what a good time he had visiting the hot nightspots there. Though he does not say it openly, I suspect he does more than just have a drink or two at those places. Considering that our sex life has dwindled since his tours have become a regular feature, I don't think I am being suspicious unreasonably." Vedita Bose*, 30, Artist

"I had a love marriage with my then- husband. He had pursued me for six years before I relented and then another two years passed before my parents relented and let us marry. It seemed like a fairytale wedding with a 'happily ever after' ending to our tale. But two kids later, it was very painful and shocking to discover that he was having an affair with an older woman. It's very difficult for me to trust men again or to believe in 'true love'. I walked out of the marriage with my two kids because I don't believe in infidelity and marriage going hand in hand. Besides I had some self-respect of my own and fortunately, I also had the choice to leave him and return to my parents. I think a part of me just died when this happened. I have tried to rebuild my life since, but there is still anger, pain, self-doubt and disillusionment after four years. Infidelity can be hard and lonely to cope with."Meghna Nagappa*, 32, Homemaker

"I rarely get emotionally involved with the women I date steadily. They go out with me because I'm rich and because I can afford to give them a slice of life they could never otherwise have. I've seen and dated more than one woman frequently and it doesn't bother me. If it does bother them, then they're with the wrong kind of man and that is their problem. I know what I'm doing... call it infidelity if you like. I think the women I meet also frequently know what they're doing!" Gaurav, 34, Garment Manufacturer

5 Ways To Know He's Cheating On You

• When he gets unusually busy after normal work hours and on weekends, claiming a new and of course, very important project. Important indeed! Right now, he can only see the high returns and not the high risk.

• When he leaves the room to answer calls on his mobile phone and shies away from reading his SMS messages out to you. Watch out for the sudden caution he adopts where leaving his phone around unguarded is concerned!

• When he avoids eye contact, claims fatigue and tries to stay out of your way. A man who is too tired to have sex, babe, be sure is getting it somewhere else!

• When you ask him what's wrong and he says, "It's not you; it's me". Isn't it always?

• When you get that horrible feeling at the bottom of your stomach that tells you things are not all right. Nothing works better than a woman's sixth sense! Well, it's time to take a pair of scissors and cut a big hole in his favourite Calvin Klein briefs... just as a sign of what's to come!"I never thought I'd be the other woman, but I couldn't hold back. We were both lonely people and found solace in each other's company."

Get Even

In India, there are two ways a woman deals with a situation when faced with infidelity - conventionally and unconventionally. (The following views are from a leading psychologist in Delhi who does not want to disclose his name in print because of the nature of this advice could offend his male patients).

Conventional Method

To be the 'take me for granted woman' who makes 'your wish is my command' her relationship mantra.To be the jealous/over possessive watchdog type who snarls the minute her security zone is threatened.To use the emotional blackmail of trauma to children and ageing parents.

To threaten and then attack the 'other woman'.To take the 'I will bear it all stoically and silently for the sake of my children, parents and family honour' approach.Take The Unconventional Path Have an affair: Well, if you don't want to go all the way, you could probably make a new male friend. Women can have far more meaningful relationships with men as friends and soulmates and for them, it doesn't have to be 'physical' to be fulfilling.

Take help from your children: Children often become pillars of strength for their mothers and rarely share the same emotion for a father who has philandered. So while protecting your children's emotions when they are young is important, you can and must share the truth with them once they are young adults. It may help them understand why their parents have a strained relationship. It may help them to not repeat a similar pattern of behaviour, but most importantly, it helps you to relieve yourself of the burden of protecting your children all your life while their father failed to check his step when he could have. This is a very critical aspect, as women, despite being victims, also carry the extra burden of keeping the truth, not just from parents and children to spare them pain, but also from society to save face. This situation is exactly what men take advantage of. They know that no matter what, the wife will either forgive in time or not let anyone know, and keep the peace at home for the sake of the children. But you must bear in mind that the other woman is not the villain - your husband is - he's the one who broke the sanctity of the family tie.

Be financially independent: The nest called home that you helped create is as much yours as it is his. "The best gift that mothers can give their daughters (even better than education, jewellery and money) is an independent roof over their heads, so that they don't have to suffer humiliating circumstances to keep them in unhappy relationships," says, Snigda Patel, 58. Lack of a home to go to compels women to suffer in silence, unlike in the West, where laws give women equal, if not more, rights to property in the event of a divorce. "It's his fault. He's cheating on his wife. If it were not me, it would be someone else... he would cheat anyway."