Why do some women’s mags run down the male species? Rahul Phondke wrestles for their cause.

I am not a chauvinist for the simple reason that I never managed to play a ‘chauvin’. These French musical instruments never really agreed with me. However, I realise there are millions of chauvinists out there. I discovered this fact when I was accidentally leafing through a magazine called... Well, let me just say that it was one of those women’s magazines, ‘For today’s woman on the go’, which if held on a remote island at the correct angle could be used to flash SOS messages to passing ships.

Horror Stories
The first article, which I found after about 70 pages of advertisements, stated rather uncharitably, ‘All men are pigs’. Now, if they had been studying my former roommate Darshan Singh as a sample, then I would understand. Darshan Singh was too far down the road to Hygiene Hell. His baths would happen when the residents of the nearby postal codes submitted a signed petition demanding that Darshan Singh and water be brought in close contact. By calling in the Army if necessary. The second article stated that, ‘All men are horrible, lying creatures whose only biological equivalents are cleaned by Harpic.’ The reasons for this conclusion were based on the following scientific facts: a) Men are creatures b) They are horrible c) They are disgusting.

Call me dense but I sense something wrong there. Why do women’s mags believe they must indulge in such male bashing? I am fundamentally not against it and I can back that up because I watch WWF. Granted men have their weaknesses. They look at other women and produce enough gas in a day to turn the air blue. But they have their strengths too. They are good at directions. Why don’t these magazines focus on our strengths? For example, we aren’t bothered whether a certain brand of toothpaste will make us look fat nor do we need to be shot with tranquilliser darts to slow us down while shopping.

Pointing Fingers
Unfortunately, male bashing has become a sport. So it’s high time men did some damage control. We should put our best foot forward and I mean that in a purely non-sexual manner. Men should prove their strong points. For example, they really look after women very well. In fact, they keep looking long after she has disappeared over the horizon, without ever getting the guts to ask her name. They also act as strong support to women by getting hernia in the process of carrying the household furniture while their wives mumble things like, “I wonder how that granite replica of the Titanic would look in this corner?” Men are also good at driving, which helps women get from point A to point B in a straight line. Women, however, indulge in pointless driving.

It’s time that women’s mags focused on these points. After all, guys focus on women’s good points too and I mean that again in a purely non-physical manner. If mags can’t do it for the goodness of ‘mankind’ then let them do it purely for the case of journalistic objectivity — whatever that means. On a parting note, I must say something about those articles that I read. The first two did lay out in splendid detail how men are vermin, who need to be carefully monitored in captivity. The third article however gave detailed instructions on how exactly to find these men. I rest my case.

Chauvins of the world unite

Model: Rohan
Photograph: Haider khan