THE LACK OF UNDERSTANDING Society does set different norms which may be hypocritical at times. It definitely does not give space to or acknowledge anything different from a man-woman relationship. To most, everything else is deviant. Lesbian relations become hidden and locked inside a person. Or the woman turns to bisexuality.

Bisexuals are looked upon as being extremely promiscuous, with multiple relationships. It is considered that the field is open to them because they are always attracted to both the sexes. Or that they are sitting on the fence not knowing what they want.
In reality, their world is something like this. There are different types of people who are identified as bisexuals, e g married women. On one side, they have a husband who they must have sex with because it is their duty or conjugal obligation. They categorise themselves as bisexual, because they do have sex with the man, though their personal preference is for a woman.
Then, the other women who claim to be bisexual are the ones who prefer women, but are also romantically, emotionally and sexually attracted to men. They might have had a relationship with a man six to seven years ago, but the second or the next relationship was with a woman. It’s not that they switch day by day.
Ananiya says, “It’s perfectly fine for me to understand that a person wants to be with men and women. It’s the understanding that you have of the word ’sexuality’. Sexuality to me is very dynamic and fluid in nature. It’s looking at a preference which is subject to change with time and experiences as you grow in life.”
Once lesbians and bisexual women come to terms with their own sexuality, they usually come out to their families about their sexual preferences. As singles, they mostly live with their families or in some cases, by themselves. Lesbian couples live on their own.
“I socialise with my family, and most of my friends are straight men and women,” says Anika. “My mother and friends understand me and love me the way I am. All that is important is how I am with them as a daughter and a friend.”
KEPT UNDER WRAPS Neena lives in Mumbai with her girlfriend and does not view herself as ostracised from society. She reveals, “A lot of my friends are straight and accept me for who I am, otherwise they wouldn’t be my friends at all. Other than them, I have bisexual, transgender, gay men and women friends. I do feel the need to socialise with them equally. There is a need to be around people who understand you better and where you don’t feel the need to explain everything that you do.”
At times, it is difficult to turn to a family member or a straight friend to talk of break-ups, or to help you withstand social and family pressures.
The hangouts are the same as for everyone else — cafes, restaurants, theatres, movie halls, bars, and nightclubs depending on their socio-economic status in society. Gay parties are, however, a very closeted affair, and are usually held in the privacy of their homes. There are no strictures put out for their demonstration of affection towards people from the same sex.
What do they do and talk about? ”What kind of a question is this? What do you heterosexuals do and talk about? The same things. It depends on who you are talking to — you talk art, talk books, talk shop, gossip, maybe flirt here and there, whatever,” they all say.
The only difference is that their parties are open only to their community. The gay group is tight-lipped and protective. One may not find one’s way into them easily. There are many married, working women who don’t want to be seen in gay groups by either their families, neighbours, acquaintances or colleagues.
The fear of being stigmatised looms large. Ananiya points out, “If we are known to be gay and are known for our association with the gay community, we get ostracised and treated like criminals when it comes to housing and jobs. Though I live on my own, I have to be careful that my neighbours don’t find out — I could lose my apartment.”
We live our lives comfortably when issues of homosexuality and bisexual relations are not brought up. It’s easy to live in denial and pretend it doesn’t exist — ‘invisiblise’ the issue and move on. But the minute these subjects are raised to one’s face, hell breaks loose and we start to fight it. Why? Because as a society we refuse to recognise homo-sexuality. It may not be such a bad idea to see it as another sexual choice.
Doing The Story